It’s hard to become a new, improved version of yourself when you don’t know what should be new and/or improved. Sure, I know that I should have a “new” look – hence the working out/eating healthy/weight loss goals. And, I know that my attitude has room for
a few okay, a lot of improvements – positivity/less complaining/authenticity etc. I’ve realized I have goals and things I want to accomplish, but I don’t know to what end, or if not having an end goal is the whole point. After I lose “x” amount of weight, or become a “happier” person…then what?
Maybe it’s a quarter-life crisis. Those exist, right? Questions like, “Who am I?” and “What do I really want out of life?” float in and out of my head almost constantly and keep me up at night. Some one asked me recently, “You can do anything you want right now, what do you want to do?”. My first thought was to be able to eat an entire pizza and not gain an ounce, but I was not going to admit that. My response was something to the effect of “I just want to be me and have fun…just enjoy life.” What kind of answer is that? I realized I have no idea what I really want.
To process through my mental list of things I think I want, I should want, and I know I don’t want…I broke out the Post-Its. I love Post-Its. Seriously, if you ever need a gift for this girl, office supplies are the way to go. They give me a sense of accomplishment, organization, and productivity like nothing else. Or wine, that’s always a great gift option, too.
But anyway, let’s get back on topic. I have spent the last 10 years in a relationship, never focusing on myself or us, just his wants, needs, and keeping him happy. Sure, it sounds strange, but back then…it made me happy when he was happy. But, while I thought I was satisfied with that life, I now realize just how much I was depriving myself of genuine fulfillment. Well, now is the time to get that back.
I’m not crazy. Okay, maybe a little bit, but everyone’s got a little crazy in ’em…you just have to know how to hide it. Seriously though, I’m not crazy and thinking that I’m going to find my life’s ultimate purpose in one measly little blog post. But, a girl’s gotta start somewhere!
So, the Post-Its:
I have always loved my time alone. Being an only child, growing up in the country, and having only one parent for most of my life has taught me to appreciate being alone with a good book, my thoughts, or even nature (when it wasn’t trying to attack me via poison ivy or a nasty sunburn). Now that I’m living alone, I feel as if too much time alone can be a little overwhelming. At first, I thought cable was the answer. But, then I realized that the time I am lucky enough to get to spend with other people is so important to me now. A genuine conversation can be more helpful and healing than any season of a TV show (Scandal, I’m looking at you). I love my friends. I love that I can be honest with them about how much my life sucks and when it’s hard to even put on a smile in front of them. The support I’ve received from every one of my friends has been so encouraging and has been one of the few things that has gotten me through some of my worst nights. Thank you friends, the next beer is on me! As long as it’s happy hour… I’m on a single income budget now, I can’t go crazy…
Working in the medical field has taught me many, many things. Number one: people are gross. But more importantly, number two: I love helping people. There is no better feeling in the world for me (so far) than seeing our patients happy and healed. I know that I have found the career I love, whatever version I end up in, speech pathology, clinical outpatient care, surgery coordinating, and I really enjoy it all. Don’t get me wrong, it is one of the toughest things I have done. As I’m sure anyone who has had a loved one or themselves with cancer, it is exhausting. Seeing patients from diagnosis to remission is a constant cycle, all the while difficult and rewarding at the same time. But, I wouldn’t change my career for anything, I will always love helping others before myself…and I’m going to choose to consider this a strength, not a weakness.
Alright, stop the eye rolling. I’m not talking about Disney-style or Harry Met Sally kind of “true love”. I just mean an honest, probably a little dysfunctional, relationship with someone. I want someone to laugh with, enjoy new experiences with, and help each other become better people. Honestly, I don’t even know where to start with working on this one… so I think I’ll be focusing on my other goals in life first…but hey, if something comes along, I’m open to it! There has to be someone out there who won’t go running when they realize how much of a mess I am. I feel that there will be more blog posts to come on this topic…stay tuned!
These three are a starting point at least. I’m sure they’ll grow and change and new ones will be added as well. I have endless opportunities ahead of me, I just have to keep reminding myself of that. Not dead ends, just endless opportunities. If I’m lucky, maybe I’ll find out who I am while exploring those opportunities.