Am I the only one that has a conversation with myself inside my head while having a conversation with a person across from me? It doesn’t always happen, but usually when I’m trying to figure out a situation or be one step ahead with a back up plan. Don’t get me wrong, I listen to people, I just…multitask while listening sometimes.
For example, I can start out feeling happiness while catching up with someone I haven’t talked to in a while, then, it will lead into nervousness when the conversation inevitably starts to turn to “how I’m doing….”. Then, anxiousness about how they’ll deal with they craziness that is my life right now. The whole time I’m judging how much to tell, how to word certain events, what facts to include, etc. Most of the time, conversations will continue leisurely until relief comes along and calms my nerves and my brain slows down to a normal pace. Sure, the conversation with myself never completely stops, but every time I have to tell “the” story again, the conversation becomes easier and easier to drown out.
Wow, I really sound like I should go into a mental hospital with these “voices” in my head, but surely I can’t be the only one?
Webster defines a dichotomy as: “something with seemingly contradictory qualities”. Well, I’ve decided my entire life is one big dichotomy. I don’t really understand the reason we mere humans were given emotions. Well, let me clarify: I don’t understand why we were given the ability to experience such a wide range of feelings, more specifically at the same time.
How is it possible to feel like your life is falling apart, yet finally falling into place at the same time? How you can love someone and hate them at the same time? You may want the best for them, but also, you want them to know how it feels to experience pain and loneliness like you have for so long? What is the purpose of having emotions when they constantly contradict each other and just confuse said person feeling the emotions?
Why have emotions when you can’t process them, or, you can’t explain them to another person just trying to understand your crazy rambling speeches? Were emotions created just to confuse us (that would be ironic, because confusion itself could be considered an emotion)?
I can see why people shut down emotionally. It’s easy to block out feelings so they don’t make life complicated, so you don’t have to second guess every conversation you have with someone. I used to enjoy thinking through feelings, wondering why certain things made me happy, or a passing comment from a friend can make you break down and question your entire friendship.
As much as I would like to be able to just close off that part of my heart and stop listening to the voice inside my head (side note: I really feel like she needs a name, other than Ashley or “self”, we talk waaay too often to not be on a first name basis by now), I think that doing so would probably be even more detrimental than being ’emotionally unstable’.
Emotions and dichotomies may confuse the hell out of me, but I realize they help a person grow. This struggle inside of me has made me question the most basic thoughts about myself, and without it, I would probably be exactly where I was a year ago… unhappy and just as confused. I know that shutting down won’t help… and it probably only leads to more confusion and loneliness, but sometimes I think a person just needs to be. I want to experience the peace of just being.
Maybe meditation of some sort is on the horizon? Hmm… I’ll have to look into that.