Heartbreak Hotel

Personalities are a funny thing. Everyone’s is so different, you’d think that eventually you would run into someone with the exact same habits, opinions, morals,etc. Yet, still…everyone I meet is so different in so many ways. I love it, and it also drives me crazy.

As for my personality? The majority of the time, I have an uncanny ability to shut off certain parts of it for things I don’t want to acknowledge or deal with. Literally, I can just flip a switch and be a completely different person for however long I choose. I’m not saying it’s a good trait, in fact, I think it is actually a weakness and a way to escape things I don’t want to deal with. It comes in handy working in healthcare when situations aren’t ideal, and it’s also a nice reaction for life situations that are rather crappy.

But, as you can probably guess, eventually that switch has to flip back and those feelings come out in a full-on emotional tidal wave. Sounds awful fun, right?

Tonight is one of the latter nights due to some unexpected information I got from a friend. I know I know… you’re wanting to know what it was that sent me off the edge of stability into the abyss of emotion? I wish…and trust me I really do SO wish I could gush on here about it. And I will, just be patient! It won’t be tonight… because I’m not even sure of the details myself, but things will come to light soon. (Picture me rubbing my hands together over a crystal ball with an evil cackle….haha).

So, what to do when a girl needs to be a little unstable and get these ‘feelings’ out of her system? Well…here’s what I wanted to do:

  • Go to a gun range and let off some steam. Reason I didn’t do this: probably not the best time to fire a gun for the first time…and I had no one to go with and no idea what/how to do anything.
  • Go to a bar, go dancing, go shopping, etc. Reason I didn’t do this: well, money for starters, and again I would definitely regret this decision financially, mentally, and emotionally tomorrow morning. Also, I am by myself for the night, so I wasn’t going to tempt fate and do the first two alone… not smart in Oak Cliff!
  • Eat everything in my kitchen that doesn’t require a lot of work. And this one was tough, I have to walk THROUGH my kitchen to get anywhere in my apartment, the temptation was intense. We’re talking Nutella, marshmallows, vanilla ice cream, cereal, macaroni and cheese, cake mixes, chocolate chips, bread…basically everything I haven’t eaten for the past two months has been stashed in the back of my pantry and fridge waiting for a break in my stability. Reason I didn’t do this: I would seriously hate myself in the morning, and that treadmill and I have had enough quality time this week…we need a break. Eating everything in sight would just cause us to have to hang out more…and that’s not enjoyable for either of us.

Alas, this is what my night has ended up consisting of:

  • Music. Even better, karaoke style in my apartment. I could listen to the entire Adele CD on repeat the entire night, but Pandora has a very cathartic ‘breakup songs’ station that I can also jam out to every time I turn it on. I love it! Here’s some of my current favorites to “perform”:

You’re So Vain – Carly Simon

Love the Way You Lie – Eminem ft. Rhianna (I know every word to this rap…maybe it’s because he’s white?)

Irreplaceable – Beyoncé

Apologize – OneRepublic

Breakeven – The Script

Wrecking Ball – Miley Cyrus (Don’t worry, no acting this one out… that would be dangerous. and gross. Ew.)

Ain’t It Fun – Paramore

  • Wine. Even better…clearance wine from Target and close-out sparkling wine from Kroger. It tastes better because it was cheap. Haha… I’m gonna have a headache in the morning, but at least I got my exercise in with all this singing and dancing around. Sophie probably thinks I’m breaking up with her because I keep singing to her about being replaced and that it’s too late to apologize…poor dog.
photo (3)
Look of judgement. Like, I get it Soph, I can’t sing. I know.
  • Movies. It’s been so great not having cable because I can finally catch up on all the cheesy, sappy chick-flicks I’ve gathered over the years. Tonight’s watching party consisted of The Break-Up, P.S. I Love You, and Love and Other Drugs. Yes, I can quote all three of these movies from start to finish, thank you.
  • Tears. It’s nice to just have a good, cleansing, cry once a day in a while. We’re talking a good, old-fashioned ugly cry. The kind where you have a runny nose and your mascara is all over your face and you get to use the good towels to wipe away your tears. Everyone needs that at least once a year, I think. It’s a nice release. 

So yes, that was my night. Emotional, dramatic, cathartic, cleansing, refreshing. It’s nice to know I’m still capable of emotion. Sometimes when I shut everything off I wonder if all this heartache and brokenness has caused my heart to just freeze over and because an icy stone inside my rib cage. Maybe one day I’ll be able to completely thaw it out and feel things normally again. But, until that day comes I will just need more nights like this in my future. That’s okay though, I kind of enjoy them.

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