Happiness

Last night was a great night. It wasn’t particularly special, in the sense that nothing specific happened to make it ‘great’. I can’t really explain it any other way though, I just felt amazing.

I usually feel so blah on Sunday nights. Who doesn’t, I guess? Monday is in the morning, I’m usually still tired from the weekend’s activities, and I’m already thinking about all the things I have to do the next week being an adult and all. Yuck/sigh/eye roll.

But last night I was driving home through the middle of downtown and there was actually no traffic for once on a major highway in Dallas. Red Hot Chili Peppers was blaring on my radio, I was singing at the top of my lungs with the windows down, and I thought to myself – for the first time in a really long time – I’m happy.

Wow. It is so freeing to be able to say that and actually mean it! Often times I have to say in a way that serves the purpose of “fake it till ya make it”. But last night, I really felt it. What a powerful thing – to be happy. It’s something I’ve come to hold so dear, and, I’ve realized that it is a very rare thing to find in others. When you meet someone else who is truly happy, I’m talking filled with joy…you can see it on their face, it’s practically bursting out of them, and I love it. It really is like they say, it’s almost contagious in a way.

I used to think I was happy, but now I realize I was just comfortable. I desperately wanted to be happy with what I had…being married, the friendships in my life, the choices I made. My happiness was always contingent on outside variables. In reality, being comfortable was my safe-zone, my safety net.

One day, almost a year ago next week actually, I woke up and stared at myself in the bathroom mirror. I’ll never forget it…standing there squinting because the lights were still blinding me as my eyes adjusted. It was like the more my reflection came into focus, the more I truly saw myself. “What am I doing with my life?” “Why am I okay with being unhappy?” “What do I want?” All of these questions just wouldn’t get out of my head.

It all changed that quick. I mean, obviously I didn’t become instantly happy. But when you just realize something that seems so small, and it can start to change your entire life. It’s just been so crazy-the good, the bad, the everything. It’s all been worth it to be happy.

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