So I’m sitting there, laughing at the millionth goofy pun I’ve heard during the last few days, and I realize there’s this hint of a feeling in the pit of my stomach. I can’t quite describe it…it’s a feeling I remember experiencing many years ago for the first time, too innocent or naive to acknowledge that it wasn’t my stomach stirring. It was my heart.
I’m not talking about some epiphany with fireworks or a giant flashing sign telling me to pay attention. It’s just this tiny pinprick that makes my heart rate increase ever so slightly. Makes my laugh that much lighter. Makes the weight on my shoulders just a little lighter.
I don’t want this feeling, no matter how vague and confusing. It’s terrifying. Even if it just lasts through tonight and I wake up clear-headed tomorrow morning, I now know that my heart is still capable of these feelings. And capable of being of being hurt again.
Also, I don’t know what to do with this feeling. If I acknowledge it (which I guess I’ve already done since I’m writing about it…), that means I have to admit that I do want to feel something in that cold, dark hole in my chest. Do I act on it? Or am I just sub-consciously wanting this feeling so much that I’ve created it in my own head? Do I wish it away, do I ignore it?
For now, I’ll just appreciate it. Whether it’s something, or even if it’s nothing, I’ll feel grateful knowing that my heart was touched by kindness, humor, confidence, and friendship for a few days. It gives me hope that there’s a future with someone somewhere out there, whether it be in a month, year, or decades away, free from past baggage and relationships. Free from fear of the unknown. Someone to experience ‘firsts’ with. Someone to make laugh with my sarcastic humor and quick wit. Someone to love.