99% of the time, I put on a pretty good show. 99% of the time, I look around and see how lucky I am to have this amazing life. 99% of the time, I’ll tell you I made the right decision and I have no regrets.
But that one percent…it’s overwhelming sometimes. It knocks the wind out of me, pins me down, and makes me feel like all my worst fears are coming true at once.
I keep little motivational reminders all over my apartment. I don’t really know why, other decorations are much prettier. I’m sure some people think I’m crazy when they come across a random post it or read a cheesy poster on the wall. On good days, I walk by the one that says, “chin up, keep shining, be positive, smile” and I do raise my chin up just a little and put a smile on my face. On less happy days, I walk by the same sign and think, “why should I?”. And most days, my favorite sign, “she thought she could so she did” is so inspiring, but during others it just seems to mock me and say “she thought she could…but she’ll fail“.
99% of the time, I can walk past a guy and seriously care less about what he thinks. 99% of the time, I can laugh without fear of judgement or the constant need to fit in. 99% of the time I won’t hesitate as I answer “great!” when you ask how I’m doing.
I’ll never understand how I can enjoy a song hundreds of times when I’m feeling good, and then hear it once on a bad day and break down from one sappy verse. Most days I can now look in the mirror and think that I’m making progress and don’t look completely hideous. But, I still have mornings when I intentionally get ready away from every mirror in my apartment because I can’t handle my own judgement.
Maybe the one percent will be there forever. Maybe it will be a lifelong battle of fighting off my insecurities and second guessing every decision I make. But maybe, just maybe, I can break free of that one out of 100 days that is so gloomy and see the sun shining all around me.