This blog is all about honesty. For some crazy reason, that’s what I committed myself to. (Why did I do that again??!) Oh right. I never want to seem as if I’m the perfect girl, or, that I’m handling this whole divorce better than (insert valley girl voice here) “like, any girl everrr, in the history of divorces”. I’m a mess, and I think I’ve made that pretty clear.
Alright, so… I’m pretty sure I’m in the anger stage of my “grief” (or whatever you want to call what I’m going through). But, rest assured, before your concern grows anymore, I’ll calm you down by saying I can still laugh through my anger, but it’s definitely a process. It’s like traffic makes me more frustrated than it normally does. People, for sure, really piss me off. And, I’ve started to acknowledge the darker side of my thoughts instead of just shoving them down and sprinkling sunshine on them.
I’m angry that I haven’t moved on with my life. I’m angry that he isn’t hurting. I’m angry that I still feel like I’m keeping secrets that aren’t mine. I’m angry that I can’t have normal relationships with people because I’m scared of their judgement. It makes me mad when I feel insecure about his choices. And, it really pisses me off, like really, when I realize I’m mad about him.
It’s not like I go on rampages and yell and punch things…I’ve never been that kind of angry person. Plus, I think a little person like me would look ridiculous trying to beat something up or intimidate someone with my squeaky voice. It’s more of a quiet kind of anger. I notice I talk less around people, usually because I’m annoyed much more easily. Or, often I just feel like I can’t even be in social situations because I don’t want to deal with “this” or “that”, and I have very little patience dealing with dumb people (who are everywhere, it turns out).
I realize I sound like a pretty terrible human being. But, I’m writing this with the expectation that all of you reading this have had the same feelings at one time or another. Even if it was only because you were having a bad day, or something really crappy happened and you just wanted to be selfish for a little bit. You’ve been there, right?
Through all of this, I’m choosing to think positively and realize that this will pass. That I won’t be annoyed by good things happening to other people on Facebook. That I will be able to sit in traffic and not go crazy at the car in front of me. That I’ll be able to deal with people who may not be the brightest crayon in the box.
I think I’ll start a kickboxing class…and it’s about time I get myself to that gun range. Who’s in?!