All things must come to an end.

My dearest friends, family, strangers, readers, stalkers, and everyone else who doesn’t quite fit into one of the above mentioned categories…I think it’s time to say this blog has officially come to an end. Please, hold back the sobs and tears until the end. 🙂

It’s been quite the journey, these past couple years of mine. Riding a roller coaster of emotions, both the highest highs and lowest lows have happened while writing this blog. It’s been an amazing place to vent, slamming my fingers into the keyboard angry at the cards life had dealt me. Or, tears streaming down my cheeks and trying to formulate complete sentences that readers would understand. The best was when all I could do was laugh, sigh, and shake my head at whatever crazy-ass thing happened to me earlier that day, and think ‘I can’t wait to write about this later!’. No matter the emotion behind the post, thank you for reading and supporting me through it all.

Several people reached out to me over the past few months and asked if I still wrote on here. I’d always respond with “ehh, yeah…I guess I haven’t felt the need to write recently, I don’t know, maybe I’m past it all now, we’ll see.”. Then, someone pointed out it might be a good way to close this chapter, finish this ‘part of my journey’, with a final post to wrap it all up.

So, here we are.

Where have I been the past, oh, I don’t know… SIX MONTHS since I’ve written on here last? Well, I never thought I would say it, but Tinder worked a miracle for me. Yep, I never would have expected to meet this incredible guy who understands me and is so similar to me on such a deep level it’s scary sometimes.

I could go on for paragraphs about him, but I’ll spare all of you the mushy details. Let’s just say he’s amazing, our relationship is honest, open, and real. It’s been a little over a year now since our first date, and it just keeps. getting. better. The confidence and love he gives me is unending and I couldn’t ask for anything more in my life right now.

Needless to say, this new relationship has taken up most of my time. I’m also guessing a lot of my venting and my outlet for emotions (both good and bad) have been passed on to him (lucky him, right? Don’t feel too bad for him, it goes both ways…) This blog was definitely like therapy for me, and I think I’m in a good place now so maybe regular blog writing/therapy sessions aren’t really needed anymore? I mean, I could always right about how in looooove I am, but I’ll spare all of you the details. You’re welcome.

Aside from my new relationship, I have a new job at a major hospital in Dallas and I love it. It was sort of the last “thing” in my life that hadn’t changed since I moved out on my own and started this chapter in my life. Now that I’ve moved on from a small practice and have a salary, dress in fancy clothes, business cards, the works, it’s great to have co-workers that don’t identify me as “the divorced one” or assume I’m sad because of this or that. They just know me, and I can share as much or as little as I want. It’s refreshing.

Okay, well, this is the part of the conversation where I avoid eye contact and slowly inch toward the door trying to make an unnoticed exit…but then I realize everyone is staring at me and expecting some grand statement before I can escape leave. I wish I had something, but the only thing I can think of is this:

Through it all, all the bullshit, all the drama, all the tears, all the heartache, and everything else, I’ve learned that time does go on and hearts do heal. Even though you feel like it’s in a million pieces on the floor of your bathroom covered in your tears, your heart puts itself back together and sews itself up and manages to keep on beating. Maybe it beats a little faster than before, maybe it skips a beat less often at the hope of something new, or maybe it’s just left with a few scars. But those scars are there for a reason. They remind you to keep going, they remind you to not make the same mistakes, and they remind you that the pain you once felt has healed now, and you can survive whatever happens in the future. 

Thank you again for your time, love, support, encouragement, laughter, tears, and everything else you have all given me through this part of my journey. If you miss me too much I still have Facebook and Instagram…just creep on me through those platforms.

Bye friends!

Just a Feeling

So I’m sitting there, laughing at the millionth goofy pun I’ve heard during the last few days, and I realize there’s this hint of a feeling in the pit of my stomach. I can’t quite describe it…it’s a feeling I remember experiencing many years ago for the first time, too innocent or naive to acknowledge that it wasn’t my stomach stirring. It was my heart.

I’m not talking about some epiphany with fireworks or a giant flashing sign telling me to pay attention. It’s just this tiny pinprick that makes my heart rate increase ever so slightly. Makes my laugh that much lighter. Makes the weight on my shoulders just a little lighter.

I don’t want this feeling, no matter how vague and confusing. It’s terrifying. Even if it just lasts through tonight and I wake up clear-headed tomorrow morning, I now know that my heart is still capable of these feelings. And capable of being of being hurt again.

Also, I don’t know what to do with this feeling. If I acknowledge it (which I guess I’ve already done since I’m writing about it…), that means I have to admit that I do want to feel something in that cold, dark hole in my chest. Do I act on it? Or am I just sub-consciously wanting this feeling so much that I’ve created it in my own head? Do I wish it away, do I ignore it?

For now, I’ll just appreciate it. Whether it’s something, or even if it’s nothing, I’ll feel grateful knowing that my heart was touched by kindness, humor, confidence, and friendship for a few days. It gives me hope that there’s a future with someone somewhere out there, whether it be in a month, year, or decades away, free from past baggage and relationships. Free from fear of the unknown. Someone to experience ‘firsts’ with. Someone to make laugh with my sarcastic humor and quick wit. Someone to love.