New beginnings kinda suck.

Yeah, I said it. I always try to be honest here and honestly, I’ve decided I just don’t like starting new things. [pauses for gasps from the crowd] There are quotes all over the place that talk about being fearless and embracing change…that new paths and open doors lead to magic and adventure. But in reality, sometimes change is just that. Change. You just wake up one day and decide to do things differently. It’s hard, it sucks, there’s no instant gratification, and occasionally you fail. I mean, who isn’t more comfortable just staying where they are, just chuggin’ along? Just me?

However much I may like the feeling of contentment, it’s something I rarely (if ever) get to enjoy. It’s become more and more apparent to me that life is just a series of beginnings and endings, with very few constants along the way. While that may not necessarily be a negative thing, it’s freaking hard sometimes, no?

On Monday I’ll start my new job.

Let me preface this point by saying that theoretically I’m super pumped about this opportunity. I’m proud of myself for reaching my goal of becoming a Practice Administrator in a medical office (and before 30, no less), and being able to professionally transition from one job to another while keeping many personal and professional relationships intact. Woo adulting!

But…along with anticipation and excitement, the incoming tide of emotions like anxiety (you constant bitch), fear, nervousness, and the need for approval are incessantly trying to take over. It’s been a non-stop battle in my mind this weekend- excited, then wanting to throw up, happy and proud, immediately followed by indecision and worry, smiling and feeling optimistic, then biting my lip and scared I’ll make a fool of myself next week.

I know, I know, I’ll be fine. I’ll do great and it will be amazing and I’ll love it and everyone will love me because I’m beautiful and awesome and hilarious and it will all be okay. Whew.

Oh, right. Hey reality- you’re still here? Damn it. I’m still scared.

Luckily, I never had to change schools as a kid. I spent my first 18 years of life in a tiny backwoods country town and knew, or at least knew of, pretty much everyone in my school. Even though I never had to experience the feeling of being the new kid, just the thought of it makes my stomach flip. I’d watch movies or TV where they walk into the crowded cafeteria and can’t find a place to sit so instead they choose to eat their lunch in a bathroom stall and I’d always think, “yep, that’d be me”. Not because they, nor I, are particularly weird, it’s just easier.  Is it weird that I’m already dreading lunch tomorrow? Honestly, I’ll probably end up eating in the car. Normal people don’t worry about this stuff, do they?

lunch

I’m on a mission to eat healthier.

I figured hey, since I’m changing my daily routine with a new job, different (improved) commute, and daily dog walking schedule…why not throw in another challenge and stop eating so much crap? Habits are so hard to break. But, I’m hoping my theory of starting this new routine will be easier if I automatically start doing it with all the others.

First, I’m going to keep up the no soda rule. It’s been 6 weeks and 3 days since my last soda and I hope I never go back. While it may be getting slightly easier,  I still crave an ice cold Diet Coke almost every day. Instead, I give my water bottle the middle finger, take a giant gulp, and let out an exaggerated “ahh” to try and trick myself that it’s just as gratifying. God, it’s really not.

Second, I’m cutting way back on the fast food. Matt and I really only had Chick-fil-a or Whataburger what, maybe twice a week, if that? Realistically, I’m always going to allow myself to indulge in a chicken sandwich and waffle fries occasionally. It’s just too delicious. And what’s the point in living if you’re so freakin’ miserable all the time eating  like a bird and drinking grass water?

While I may not be able to entirely sacrifice the fries and rare nugget adventure, we are focusing on eating at home and eating real food. It’s a time commitment, that’s for sure, and it takes a lot more work, but I’m hoping once we get used to it it will become easier and less of a struggle. Right now my main issue is not reverting to a 3-year-old and throwing a mini-fit every time I have to do the dishes.

 

All in all, while I may hate the idea of starting these new things; whether it be a new job, better eating choices, or drinking another unending bottle of water- they’re all worth doing. Ultimately I know it will lead to a better and happier life.

Well, at least that’s the goal, right? I’ll keep you posted.

A Year of Change

Is it me, or is the comma placement weird in this photo?

What a year! Highs and lows. Happiness and sadness. Lessons were learned, mistakes were made. Bridges were burned and new relationships were built. Every cliche in the book pretty much summed up my year. However, I did learn a few incredible things about myself during the past 12 hardest months of my life:

1. It’s okay to put yourself first. 

My whole life used to revolve around making others happy. While it’s true that I’m happiest when others are happy, I also lied to myself for several years about just how miserable I was on the inside. We’re all familiar with the saying “you can’t please everyone”, and I finally stopped trying to prove that statement wrong. 2014 was the first year I can remember that I made decisions that made me happy, and I didn’t care if others agreed or not. It’s such a freeing feeling, not being weighed down by others opinions or emotions. Who cares if you spend way too much money on granola bars or if you haven’t swept your apartment in months. No one, that’s who.

2. If you need help, ask for it. 

I used to be a firm believer in doing things myself and that asking for help was a sign of weakness. I’m not sure if it’s because I lost my mom so early, or some other reason that was imprinted on my brain as a wee one, but I had this crazy notion that I could never depend on anyone. “If you want something done right, do it yourself” was a common phrase in my life. Well, let’s just say in 2014, I needed some freaking help. And turns out, people came out of the woodwork with love, support, and anything else I needed before I even asked. It was amazing. I learned that it’s okay to cry on your best friend’s couch while drinking cheap wine and stuffing yourself cheesecake. And you know what else? They won’t judge you. They may drink some of your wine, but they won’t judge you. I realized that being open and honest about your heartache can lead to healing. Not only for you, but for others as well.

3. I am beautiful.

Okay, I know that sounds conceited, but I swear, that’s not how I mean it. A year ago, I would have never, ever, in a zillion years, considered writing that statement. Me? Beautiful? Hell to the no. Sure, I’m not magazine-cover pretty…I’ll never be blonde, 5’9′, size 2, with porcelain skin and baby blue eyes. But, honestly, I don’t want to be anymore. I like my look now. Freckles for days, bright green eyes, nerdy glasses, sassy bangs, and always great shoes. It doesn’t matter to me if no guy ever takes a second look in my direction, I don’t dress/act/look a certain way for them, I do it for me. I’ve lost 52 pounds (so far!) for me. I spent way too much money on a new little black dress that I feel amazing in (even though I have nowhere to wear it yet) for me. I’m getting a second tattoo for me. It feels good to be comfortable in my own skin. And it feels good to be confident. Boom.

4. Life is messy.

When my life “fell apart” earlier this year, I thought I would stick out like a sore thumb. I quickly realized that no one’s life is perfect. And even more so, if it appears perfect on the outside, chances are it’s a hot mess under that pretty facade. People are fake, lives are confusing, mistakes happen, honesty is rare, and those closest to you may fail you. I’ve come to realize that this is just how life is, just a normal fact. I don’t expect perfection in myself, why did I set others to that standard? I’m learning to love people for who they are, weaknesses, faults, and mistakes included. I can only hope that others do the same for me.

 

Of course I learned many more things this past year, but they all tend to fall into one of the categories above. After everything I’ve been through so far, I can gratefully say, “see ya later, 2014! You kicked my ass, but I think I gave you a run for your money!”.

And to 2015: bring. it. on!

 

Long Time No….Change

It’s been a while, I know. I missed you too! Oh what’s new with me, you ask? Well, let me tell you

Nothing.

Things have been pretty constant around here. And when I use the word ‘constant’, it’s in the place of other, more negative, words (like boring, lonely, depressing…you get the idea). I’ll admit, I wrote the last couple of posts on dating and being interested in the idea of seeing people again and I thought, “okay, now let them just show up/call/invite me out!”. Then, surprisingly realistically, nothing happened.

I know, what the hell, right? Just kidding, yes, it sounds so dumb when I write it out and admit that I thought that it was just going to ‘happen’. And it’s even more silly that I actually got a little sad when I realized it’s been a couple of weeks and nothings changed and I had nothing to blog about. Then, I realized that it’s been 7 and a half months and I haven’t even had a single conversation with a guy that I didn’t already know before my divorce. Lame.

I need to meet people. Guys, I need to meet guys. No idea how, where, or when, but it needs to happen. I can feel my cat-lady-sweat-pants-rocking-chair days quickly approaching and I have to stop them. This single life does have its perks, but I am so lonely sometimes.

You know when I notice it the most? It’s not being the only single one at parties, but arriving home alone after said party and realizing you have no one to re-live all the funny things that happened that night with. It’s not eating dinner by yourself every night, it’s when you’re eating the leftovers from that meal for the 4th time that week because no one is there to help you eat them. It’s not going to bed alone, it’s waking up freezing at 2AM because you kicked the covers off yourself, not because someone next to you stole them. There is no one next to you, ever.

Bleh, emotions. Maybe it’s the holiday season, or just the fact that I thought I’d be at “x” stage by this time after my divorce, but, I’m just ready to move on and make new memories. Maybe I’ll leave dating to be my next challenge to conquer in 2015.

Running a 5K this weekend! Whoo! My third one this year! And, I’ve already signed up for one in January…it’s the Hypnotic Donuts Dash. Donuts WHILE running? Best. Idea. Ever.

 

New Week, New Me!

You know what I love about Mondays?!

Okay, almost nothing…but I do love that it’s a fresh start to the week. That whatever happened the week before is old news and doesn’t have to impact how this week will be.

Anyway, today, as you probably saw on my Facebook post, I kicked butt on the elliptical and then gave everyone a few minutes of entertainment as I attempted to walk out of the gym. Well, I wouldn’t really call it walking, more like a baby giraffe trying to stand up for the first time. Oh, and, of course, women were running like beautiful gazelles on the treadmill as I stumbled by trying to smile and not make a complete fool of myself. Needless to say, it was the highlight of my day. No, truly it was, learning to laugh at myself is this new thing I’m trying…most of the time it’s mortifying, but I think it’s starting to make life a little more fun.

Speaking of life being more fun, here’s my most recent list of new things I’m trying just to enjoy life more (no judgement, I mean it!):

Singing – in the car, the shower (the acoustics…yes!), just in general wherever in my apartment. I used to keep my mouth shut when my favorite song came on, especially if there were other people around. Well, let me just tell you all that you had it easy. I cannot carry a tune in a bucket (with a lid). But hey, why can’t I just enjoy a good song?

Dancing – sorry, there will be no Youtube videos of myself twerking in my apartment…although, I’m sure that’s what you immediately pictured. But, when I’ve got nothing to do at night and Sophie wants to get some energy out, you can bet that we’ve had multiple dance parties (some even included a little karaoke). Seriously, listen to my all-time favorite dancing song and try not to smile and do a little jig yourself!

New Foods – I didn’t ever consider myself a picky eater, per se. Maybe I was, but I tried to never inconvenience others if I didn’t care for something. Recently, I’ve started to branch out and try new foods…and actually accept that I might like them. Turns out, some things are amazing! Not all foods…people still think I’m crazy for not liking avocados or hummus. (Hey, I said no judgement! It’s a texture thing…that’s the next one I hope to “grow out of”). There is so much more flavor in foods that are fresh and cooked well! My diet used to be full of fried this and ketchup-covered that…now I can hardly finish a Chick-fil-a sandwich. It’s crazy, the old things still taste good, but I just don’t crave them.

New Hairstyle (coming soon) –  I made a deal with myself that I would lose 20 pounds and then cut my hair off. My face was/is a little too round to be able to do a bob well…so I’m thinking it will be something summery and shoulder-length. Maybe lighter? Layers? I’m almost to my next weight milestone, so stay tuned!!

 

Feel free to think of any other ways I can make a complete fool out of myself on the internet. Hah, I’m looking to embarrass myself a little more. But sorry….still no twerking video. I won’t cross that line.