Progress

Hello again. It feels good to be back. Writing tends to be therapy for me, if you couldn’t tell. Honestly, when things are going well and I’m busy, I don’t feel the urge to write. Well, I guess sometimes I do, but usually my mind tends to clear with happiness.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not back because I’m unhappy, but the past 3 months have been an adventure! Mostly good with a few crappy moments sprinkled throughout, but isn’t that life in general? Haha…I should copyright that phrase.

Dating is weird. And dating is hard. How is it possible that I enjoy it and absolutely hate it at the same time? I’ve only ‘technically’ been in this strange world for about 5 months, and it’s a daily whirlwind. I feel like it’s a giant game, with multiple smaller games being played simultaneously within it. Be this person, share these details (but not those details), like these activites, be interested in current events, yada yada yada. When I feel like putting in the effort, it’s actually kind of fun. I get to portray the best parts of me, and sort of put my life on display. This concept of dating is just so interesting to me, especially online dating. You know I went on 3 dates with someone, talked with them for a few weeks and learned quite a bit about their life, then realized I didn’t even know their last name? That’s crazy to me! Oh man, if you get to know someone’s full name, apparently that’s as good as putting a ring on it. Watch out.

Especially with a past like mine (let’s be honest, I’ve got a few red marker edits on my “life resume”), I’m always unsure as to when to reveal things about my past. So far, it’s been pretty natural, but there’s been a couple of times when it hasn’t come up in the first few times of hanging out with someone that I happen to be divorced. I feel like it’s such a dirty word, like a big, red “D” on my chest, or something. It makes me feel like I’m flawed, damaged, and broken for the next person in my life. I mean, I know I’m not, but the stigma that comes along with the term divorcee isn’t generally a good one. If they stick around long enough for me to explain the terms/reasoning for my marriage ending, the response is generally positive, but not always. Oh well, I guess they weren’t meant for me anyway, right?

Hmm, another dating factor I’ve come across…when they are more into you than vice-versa. Honestly, I never expected this to happen to me. I mean, I waited in a relationship for 10 years for someone to reciprocate my feelings at the same level I did, so I thought I’d never experience it in the future. But, now that I have, it is NOT fun. Of course I know that it’s bound to happen, people fall in love in different levels and at different times, but I’ve realized that having the power to break someone’s heart is just plain terrifying.

I don’t think I can remember a time when I had to do something that I knew would hurt another person in a big way. My natural instinct is to do absolutely everything I can do avoid hurting another person. But recently, I experienced my first “me doing the breaking-up’ with someone, and that shit is hard. I think I’d rather be broken up with honestly. It made me feel like a terrible person causing someone pain, but I knew ultimately it was worth it and very much needed to avoid further heartbreak between us in the future.

Anyway, aside from dating, I’ll be moving soon! May 1st to be exact. Annndddd, big news: I’ll have a roommate! No, it’s not a guy…I don’t move that fast. 🙂 She’s freaking awesome, and I’m sure there will be plenty of posts detailing our shenanigans while we co-exist together. Living alone was exactly what I needed over the past year, and I’m excited for yet another living change in 2015.

So, again, here’s to a year full of adventures, travels, friends, and new experiences! Have I mentioned how much I freaking LOVE my life? (And no, that isn’t sarcasm, my life is pretty. darn. awesome.)

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Long Time No….Change

It’s been a while, I know. I missed you too! Oh what’s new with me, you ask? Well, let me tell you

Nothing.

Things have been pretty constant around here. And when I use the word ‘constant’, it’s in the place of other, more negative, words (like boring, lonely, depressing…you get the idea). I’ll admit, I wrote the last couple of posts on dating and being interested in the idea of seeing people again and I thought, “okay, now let them just show up/call/invite me out!”. Then, surprisingly realistically, nothing happened.

I know, what the hell, right? Just kidding, yes, it sounds so dumb when I write it out and admit that I thought that it was just going to ‘happen’. And it’s even more silly that I actually got a little sad when I realized it’s been a couple of weeks and nothings changed and I had nothing to blog about. Then, I realized that it’s been 7 and a half months and I haven’t even had a single conversation with a guy that I didn’t already know before my divorce. Lame.

I need to meet people. Guys, I need to meet guys. No idea how, where, or when, but it needs to happen. I can feel my cat-lady-sweat-pants-rocking-chair days quickly approaching and I have to stop them. This single life does have its perks, but I am so lonely sometimes.

You know when I notice it the most? It’s not being the only single one at parties, but arriving home alone after said party and realizing you have no one to re-live all the funny things that happened that night with. It’s not eating dinner by yourself every night, it’s when you’re eating the leftovers from that meal for the 4th time that week because no one is there to help you eat them. It’s not going to bed alone, it’s waking up freezing at 2AM because you kicked the covers off yourself, not because someone next to you stole them. There is no one next to you, ever.

Bleh, emotions. Maybe it’s the holiday season, or just the fact that I thought I’d be at “x” stage by this time after my divorce, but, I’m just ready to move on and make new memories. Maybe I’ll leave dating to be my next challenge to conquer in 2015.

Running a 5K this weekend! Whoo! My third one this year! And, I’ve already signed up for one in January…it’s the Hypnotic Donuts Dash. Donuts WHILE running? Best. Idea. Ever.

 

Going Fishing

“There’s plenty of fish in the sea!” is a phrase spoken all too frequently around me lately. It’s always meant with the kindest of intentions, but instead of encouraging…I tend to find it daunting.

If you ask me, there are too many fish in the sea. And honestly, I don’t even want to do any fishing! Sometimes, I just look at my life and wonder, “how did I get here?”. I wasn’t supposed to be here, now, at this age. My life was supposed to be figured out, I planned it so well.

But, that’s life, isn’t it? And now, I find myself faced with the newest and most terrifying part: dating.

Blech, I can’t even say/type/think the word without wanting to throw up. The whole idea to me is loathsome. I feel like a toddler crossing my arms, planting my feet in the dirt, and saying, “but I don’t WANT to!”.  Aside from who I was married to, I enjoyed being married. I really liked building a home, a life, a family. Having a routine and a safe place. Singleness has it’s perks too, but dating? Ehh, whhhhy?

The highs. The lows. The awkwardness. Not being too forward. Not being too quiet and reserved. Say the right thing. Watch out for the crazy, no, run from the crazy. Try to find normal. Hope that they think you’re normal. Don’t text back too soon. Don’t expect a text too soon. Laugh at their jokes. Tame your laugh so they don’t think you’re crazy. Dress cute, but not slutty. Be witty, but not a comedian. Ask questions, but only the right questions.

Yeah, all of the above? Who enjoys that? It’s exhausting. And even better, this is all just a concept for me. Let’s discuss my actual experience in this area…it will be short:

The last time I went on a first date, actually the only time I’ve been on a first date, I was 15. I don’t remember the details, but it was probably a movie or something, and when you’re 15, it really doesn’t matter. We were already good friends, so it was just like any other time we hung out. We barely had cell phones, texting was still paid for ‘per message’, so it basically didn’t exist. Needless to say, it was a completely different world.

Fast forward 11 years and I’m now 26 and I don’t know “how” to date. [Insert sarcastic phrase like, “that’s cool”, or “awesome!” here.] What the hell am I gonna do?! Is there a book on this?? The more I think about it, the more I’m okay with just being a cat lady forever. Cats don’t care about dating, and neither will I. Ooh, with ice cream, too, ice cream doesn’t care about dating either. Problem solved.

I don’t even know what I want in a guy. I mean, I know what I don’t want. Been there, done that. I just wish there were checklists, surveys, or something that you could just randomly complete with people and it would just be simple. Sure, there’s online dating. I have several friends and family that it has been a complete success for. I do believe it can work. But, for me, I just don’t know if I’m ready for that yet. I feel like summarizing my life into neat boxes on a webpage is such a false representation of who I am, it would be unfair for any ‘passers-by’ to assume my life is that perfect. On the other hand, if I was honest and wrote “recently divorced, but doing great! I’m kind of a hot mess, but it’s worth it! ” wouldn’t really get many likes/winks/whatever you do on those sites.

So, for now, we will see where life takes me. Maybe it will be with 27 cats and a rocking chair with a pint of Ben & Jerry’s. Maybe it will be with a husband who was willing to take a chance on a girl who just needed a second round to do things right. Either way, it will be just fine.

It’s not all sunshine and glitter inside…

This blog is all about honesty. For some crazy reason, that’s what I committed myself to. (Why did I do that again??!) Oh right. I never want to seem as if I’m the perfect girl, or, that I’m handling this whole divorce better than (insert valley girl voice here) “like, any girl everrr, in the history of divorces”. I’m a mess, and I think I’ve made that pretty clear.

Alright, so… I’m pretty sure I’m in the anger stage of my “grief” (or whatever you want to call what I’m going through). But, rest assured, before your concern grows anymore, I’ll calm you down by saying I can still laugh through my anger, but it’s definitely a process.  It’s like traffic makes me more frustrated than it normally does. People, for sure, really piss me off. And, I’ve started to acknowledge the darker side of my thoughts instead of just shoving them down and sprinkling sunshine on them.

I’m angry that I haven’t moved on with my life. I’m angry that he isn’t hurting. I’m angry that I still feel like I’m keeping secrets that aren’t mine. I’m angry that I can’t have normal relationships with people because I’m scared of their judgement. It makes me mad when I feel insecure about his choices. And, it really pisses me off, like really, when I realize I’m mad about him.

It’s not like I go on rampages and yell and punch things…I’ve never been that kind of angry person. Plus, I think a little person like me would look ridiculous trying to beat something up or intimidate someone with my squeaky voice.  It’s more of a quiet kind of anger. I notice I talk less around people, usually because I’m annoyed much more easily. Or, often I just feel like I can’t even be in social situations because I don’t want to deal with “this” or “that”, and I have very little patience dealing with dumb people (who are everywhere, it turns out).

I realize I sound like a pretty terrible human being. But, I’m writing this with the expectation that all of you reading this have had the same feelings at one time or another. Even if it was only because you were having a bad day, or something really crappy happened and you just wanted to be selfish for a little bit. You’ve been there, right?

Through all of this, I’m choosing to think positively and realize that this will pass. That I won’t be annoyed by good things happening to other people on Facebook. That I will be able to sit in traffic and not go crazy at the car in front of me. That I’ll be able to deal with people who may not be the brightest crayon in the box.

I think I’ll start a kickboxing class…and it’s about time I get myself to that gun range. Who’s in?!

It’s Funny How Things Work Out

Well, actually in my experience…it hasn’t been that funny lately. But I’ve heard it can be funny? I guess it’s all in perspective.

Honestly, this past week has been a little dramatic, and I haven’t really been sure how to get all of my thoughts down onto “paper” and such. I feel this post will be a little bit more of a hot mess, so just bear with me and keep on readin’ on.

The reason I find it funny that things work out the way they do is because I think I’m a bit self-deprecating. If you know me at all, you will know I will be the first one to be critical of myself, or make a joke out of something ridiculously dumb that I did just to make another person feel comfortable. I love to joke about my height, my weight, my freckles, my glasses, the list goes on and on. It’s not that I hate these things about myself, I just find it easier to make jokes about things I’m embarrassed about rather than have someone think I don’t know that “XX” about me is weird. And, I’m kinda funny sometimes so that makes me feel good. 🙂

But in reality, as I said earlier, things often aren’t that funny lately. For example, why does it work out that I try to be the adult in situations, and I just get taken advantage of? Why do I choose to continue being the bigger person, when all I get is selfishness and disrespect in return? Why do I give 2nd, 3rd, 4th, 1000000th chances, and I am still disappointed by the outcome?

Yes, we all know that I’m talking about my divorce. Yes, we can all tell I’m upset and venting a little. Please understand, I will always use this blog as an outlet to be honest, work through feelings and emotions, and be a support to others going through rough times. I will never be disrespectful, dishonest, manipulative, or just plain mean to anyone on this blog. That’s not encouraging for anyone, even though sometimes it’s all I want to do. I hate looking like the victim and I want to appear strong in my words and actions; but then I always worry about coming across rude or selfish and that scares me even more. I really struggle with finding the balance between the two sometimes.

While wasting time on Pinterest the other night, I found this little diddy, and it is perfect for how I feel 99% of the time. It’s just sassy enough to get the point across, but still respectful at the same time.

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I thought this one was more appropriate for the blog than the ones that said, “Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned”. Because, you know, a 5’2″ sarcastic freckled girl with hipster glasses can throw down some fury. Watch out.

 

Okay, I’m changing the subject to something a little more positive! I feel like I say it a lot, but I seriously have the best. friends. ever. Let me tell you a little story. Before I decided to separate and move out, I was terrified that I would be alone. It’s part of the reason I stayed in that relationship for so long. I thought that I’d be spending countless nights by myself eating frozen meals and then crying into my bowl of ice cream wishing that I had someone other than Sophie to talk to.

This one was pretty funny when it worked out, my friends (and family, but I count them as friends, too) came out of the woodwork to be there for me and show love and support for what I’m going through. Of course, I still have nights at home to myself from time to time, but I am never more than a phone call away from a friend willing to do anything with me. From taking me to Top Golf for the first time and watching me make a fool out of myself to just chilling by the pool drinking too much wine and being eaten alive by mosquitos, brunch with awesome waiters (shout out to Chris at Oddfellows!), late nights playing pool and talking about life, making cupcakes and drinking champagne, random road trips for no other reason than just having dinner together, I could go on and on but everything I get to do with friends means so much. I wouldn’t be making it through all of this stupid drama without some awesome friends.

This whole situation has reconnected me with so many people in my life, it’s a little ridiculous. People I haven’t talked to in decades, teachers from high school, old friends, distant relatives,

In the hardest of times when I start to lose faith, I am always reminded that God answers prayers. My biggest fear of being alone has been crushed with an overwhelming love by so many more people than I could imagine. How awesome is that?! I may live alone now, but I have never felt so supported and “less alone” in my life.

Sometimes…I love how things work out.