New beginnings kinda suck.

Yeah, I said it. I always try to be honest here and honestly, I’ve decided I just don’t like starting new things. [pauses for gasps from the crowd] There are quotes all over the place that talk about being fearless and embracing change…that new paths and open doors lead to magic and adventure. But in reality, sometimes change is just that. Change. You just wake up one day and decide to do things differently. It’s hard, it sucks, there’s no instant gratification, and occasionally you fail. I mean, who isn’t more comfortable just staying where they are, just chuggin’ along? Just me?

However much I may like the feeling of contentment, it’s something I rarely (if ever) get to enjoy. It’s become more and more apparent to me that life is just a series of beginnings and endings, with very few constants along the way. While that may not necessarily be a negative thing, it’s freaking hard sometimes, no?

On Monday I’ll start my new job.

Let me preface this point by saying that theoretically I’m super pumped about this opportunity. I’m proud of myself for reaching my goal of becoming a Practice Administrator in a medical office (and before 30, no less), and being able to professionally transition from one job to another while keeping many personal and professional relationships intact. Woo adulting!

But…along with anticipation and excitement, the incoming tide of emotions like anxiety (you constant bitch), fear, nervousness, and the need for approval are incessantly trying to take over. It’s been a non-stop battle in my mind this weekend- excited, then wanting to throw up, happy and proud, immediately followed by indecision and worry, smiling and feeling optimistic, then biting my lip and scared I’ll make a fool of myself next week.

I know, I know, I’ll be fine. I’ll do great and it will be amazing and I’ll love it and everyone will love me because I’m beautiful and awesome and hilarious and it will all be okay. Whew.

Oh, right. Hey reality- you’re still here? Damn it. I’m still scared.

Luckily, I never had to change schools as a kid. I spent my first 18 years of life in a tiny backwoods country town and knew, or at least knew of, pretty much everyone in my school. Even though I never had to experience the feeling of being the new kid, just the thought of it makes my stomach flip. I’d watch movies or TV where they walk into the crowded cafeteria and can’t find a place to sit so instead they choose to eat their lunch in a bathroom stall and I’d always think, “yep, that’d be me”. Not because they, nor I, are particularly weird, it’s just easier.  Is it weird that I’m already dreading lunch tomorrow? Honestly, I’ll probably end up eating in the car. Normal people don’t worry about this stuff, do they?

lunch

I’m on a mission to eat healthier.

I figured hey, since I’m changing my daily routine with a new job, different (improved) commute, and daily dog walking schedule…why not throw in another challenge and stop eating so much crap? Habits are so hard to break. But, I’m hoping my theory of starting this new routine will be easier if I automatically start doing it with all the others.

First, I’m going to keep up the no soda rule. It’s been 6 weeks and 3 days since my last soda and I hope I never go back. While it may be getting slightly easier,  I still crave an ice cold Diet Coke almost every day. Instead, I give my water bottle the middle finger, take a giant gulp, and let out an exaggerated “ahh” to try and trick myself that it’s just as gratifying. God, it’s really not.

Second, I’m cutting way back on the fast food. Matt and I really only had Chick-fil-a or Whataburger what, maybe twice a week, if that? Realistically, I’m always going to allow myself to indulge in a chicken sandwich and waffle fries occasionally. It’s just too delicious. And what’s the point in living if you’re so freakin’ miserable all the time eating  like a bird and drinking grass water?

While I may not be able to entirely sacrifice the fries and rare nugget adventure, we are focusing on eating at home and eating real food. It’s a time commitment, that’s for sure, and it takes a lot more work, but I’m hoping once we get used to it it will become easier and less of a struggle. Right now my main issue is not reverting to a 3-year-old and throwing a mini-fit every time I have to do the dishes.

 

All in all, while I may hate the idea of starting these new things; whether it be a new job, better eating choices, or drinking another unending bottle of water- they’re all worth doing. Ultimately I know it will lead to a better and happier life.

Well, at least that’s the goal, right? I’ll keep you posted.

Did you miss me?

Hey!

I’m back!

‘Old-school’ journal writing just wasn’t cutting it for me anymore, so after much deliberation- I’ve returned to try and entertain you as I shamelessly document the antics of my life on the internet once again.

It’s been a few months shy of 2 years since I left the blogging world and jeez, life has flown by. Like, crazy-scary time-warp-speed flown by. Let’s take some time to get re-acquainted again, shall we? I think some general life updates are in order before I endlessly spew my emotions out a few times a week on here…you know, just so you have a point of reference.

I’m assuming/hoping there will be some new readers to this blog and if that’s you- HI! Feel free to browse my past entries, they include lots of embarrassing and (I think) funny stories about all of the misadventures after my divorce. A couple of my favorites are this one and also this one.

Big Picture Items

  • Still live in Dallas, although now with a significant other and a fur-child (more on that in a minute)
  • About to turn freaking THIRTY in May- and no, I’m not looking forward to it and I’m slightly terrified
  • Lots of changes are happening currently, figured it’s as good a time as any to write about all of it, right?

Relationship Update

  • Still with the ginger from Tinder! (He may also be referred to within this blog as Matt/Matthew/boo thang/beard man/etc.) If you’re new around here and interested, you can read more about how our relationship started and the dating roller coaster in my previous entries, but we are just as happy as ever and recently added a dog to our little family! Welcome to your fur-ever home, Nessa!

photos

Work Life

  • I’ve been working in a major hospital system for the past two years on the administrative side in the Plastic Surgery department, but as of TODAY (woo!) I am now a Practice Administrator for a cognitive behavior therapy practice here just about a mile from our place. I’ll probably post more about this scary leap in the coming weeks as I start my new adventure on Monday. (Wish me luck!)

Healthy/Not-so-healthy life

  • Well, I’m not gonna deny it. I’ve let life take priority and in turn let my attempt at a ‘healthy food and plenty of exercise’ lifestyle fall to the wayside. I’ve definitely gained some weight back. Call it being happy, call it laziness…whatever- the point is, I’m not happy about it. I think part of me hopes that this blog will be a bit of an accountability partner, but mainly I just need to get off my ass and get moving again.
  • Anxiety is something I struggle with still on a daily basis. It’s not as unmanageable as it used to be, but I’m sure I’ll vent from time to time as it rears it’s ugly head. I’m looking forward to working in a mental health career field that I’m passionate about and growing to become a representative in the community. Mental health issues are real. It’s not something that’s attention-seeking, nor something that should be used to shame the people suffering from them. I’ve watched it affect so many loved ones in my life, and I’m determined to play a role in the destigmatization of the issue.

 

Well then, I think I’ve fully reintegrated all of you into where my life is currently. While others are counting down until their wedding, the birth of their child, or their next vacation…let’s begin my countdown to none of those celebratory reasons. Instead, I’ll be turning 30 in:

126 days
lord help me, I’m gonna be an old lady…

 

Adventures in Online Dating [Pt. 2]

So, now that it’s been about a week with an online dating profile, I basically consider myself an expert in this field. (Please, note the sarcasm).

Annnnnd, I still have no idea what I’m doing. Haha, this whole experience has been very…entertaining? The messages I’m getting, people’s profile pictures, the pick up lines, it’s all so silly and exciting and terrifying all at once. At this point, I’m feeling like this whole idea is a big mess and just a way to be embarrassed on a daily basis.

Let’s start with this “summary of my life” I’m supposed to come up with on my profile. What the hell am I supposed to put in here? I hate beans? I can’t see over clothing racks? Honestly, I spent about 2 hours just stuck on this first part. I re-wrote it about 385,743 times and finally came up with a decent combination of wit, honesty, and…mystery? I don’t know how it turned out, but I’m just glad I finished it, squeezed my eyes shut, and clicked save.

The interesting thing about this website: they actually don’t have a place you can select ‘divorced’. The only options are dating, single, or married. (Weird, right? I still don’t know why you would actually put married as a label if you’re on a dating website, but who am I to judge…). So, my next challenge is: do I list that I’m divorced on my profile? I don’t know! Is it something I have to be up front about? Ugh, so many thoughts…but ultimately I decided not to add anything about it. I figure, if it comes up, I’ll be honest, otherwise I’ll just see what happens. That’s fair, right?

After I finished my profile, I didn’t really know what to do next. Wait for something? Look at other’s profiles? Message someone? I thought about all of those, and then just decided to close my computer and pretend I didn’t just put a ‘wanted’ ad out for my dating life. Soon enough though, instant technology availability got the best of me and I was checking my matches like a pro.

So, my first week of this adventure has been a roller coaster. I’ve had a few great conversations with guys, and several weird ones, too. I can safely say, the good guys are few and faaaaar between. The amount of inappropriate and/or vulgar messages I’m getting is ridiculous. I mean, do guys actually want a girl that responds to that kind of stuff? Sorry, but that’s not me. Even worse is when you think you’re talking to a normal, respectable guy, then he turns out to be worse than the others that are at least honest about their meat-headedness. And finally, just when you’re about to click the link to close your account – a decent guy messages you and it starts all over again. I guess this is the ‘joy’ of trying to date? Meh.

All the bad aside, it’s been a good experience for just having conversations and getting to know new people. I’ve been asked out on a few dates, but I’ve turned them down because I’m still just too nervous to actually meet anyone in person. Maybe I’ll save that for week 2? Yeah, I think that’s a good idea.  I need to come up with my game plan, escape routes, safety chaperone, and topics of conversation. Then, I’ll consider it. 🙂