Now what?

Well, I did it. I survived an entire year living on my own. If you know anything about me, you should be impressed. This year flew by, while seeming to take an eternity to do so, if that makes sense at all. I can’t believe how much has happened, how much I’ve changed, and how different my life has become over the past 12 months. I moved out of my apartment on Sunday, and before I could leave cross the threshold out of my door for the last time I literally sat on the floor and cried. Yep, like a big ol’ baby.

I sat there thinking about all the emotions I had moving in: loneliness, heartache, hope for a new future, bitterness, and anger. I cried knowing I worked through all of those things within those four walls. I thought back about when I sat on my kitchen counter (yes, on top of it) and drank wine with friends while talking about how stupid and messed up our lives were. I remembered baking amazing desserts in that kitchen and then eating my feelings in the form of cupcakes/brownies/pie until I was sick. I laughed about all the slumber parties I had with friends in my tiny full-sized bed after too much drinking by my sweet pool.

I really lived in that apartment. Okay, that sounds so cheesy, but it’s actually true. I was a different person when I moved in, I changed my entire life over the course of a year, and I can’t believe that chapter is over. As I was leaving for the last time, it just all hit me at once and I broke down. Everything I was feeling a year ago is pretty much gone (in the best way possible). All of my anxiety, self-doubt, anger, etc. has melted away and I’ve become someone strong and ready to conquer the next chapter in my life, whatever it may be.

After I pulled it together and sniffled my way to the car, I climbed in and thought, “so, now what?”. New chapter, new year, new me…what could life possibly have in store for me next? Well, I’m all too aware that you can’t control your future, but I have a few things I’d like to tackle:


Find something to be passionate about. 

I had drinks with a good friend recently and we got on the subject of passion. Naturally, he asked me what I was passionate about. Oh, I know what you’re thinking: easy question! That’s what I thought, too. I proceeding with the following: I’m totally passionate about…you know, that thing…that I love. I do it all the time… how do I describe it, um. EXACTLY. I was so embarrassed when I realized I really can’t say that I have a passion. Sure, I enjoy a ton of things, but nothing really drives me to get up in the morning, nothing pushes me to be more creative, or compassionate, or try harder. Honestly, I think it’s been a fear of mine to throw my entire effort into something, for fear of failure or worse, mediocrity. This year I want to find my passion(s). I don’t know if it will be something as simple as baking, or maybe I’ll grow fond of gardening. Hell, I could go nuts and get addicted to sky-diving! …but I would like to survive the year, so I think I’ll hold back on that last idea.

Focus on relationships.

I’ve spent the past year being selfish. It was intentional, but it went against the core being of who I am. I needed to take the year for me and figure out who I was without a husband, dog, indentity as a wife, or the stigma of being divorced. I spent countless nights alone, specifically after having turned down plans with friends, just so I could contemplate my future and  all those other deep, introspective ideas. This year I want to push myself to invest in friendships, family relationships, and at some point, possibly, just maybe, really be able to pour into a romantic relationship. I’m not the only one going through rough times, and I want to be there for friends and family that were there for me over the past few months. In summary, less inward, more outward.

Try new things. As many as possible.

What can I say, I like to be comfortable. I know what restaurants I like, I know how I like my coffee, I know that I don’t like mushrooms. But I also know that I often take the easy way out and run away from things unknown to me. It’s easier to just say “I hate Mexican food” than actually try different kinds, or even worse, I might grow to like some of it! (The horror…I know.) Actually, over the past few months, I’ve grown to enjoy sushi (like real, raw sushi, lol). I’ve eaten guacamole more than once (and not hate it). I’ve listened to new kinds of music and found new artists to love. I’ve realized the more I branch out, the more life I’m experiencing…and it’s so much better this way. Being open to new experiences and the different things people enjoy, it makes relationships deeper, life brighter, and so much more fun. (Jeez…I’m just a blogger full of sappy one-liners tonight, hm?)


I’m really looking forward to this year, actually. I think it’s going to be just as challenging, but in an entirely different way. If I get really crazy, I’ll write another post soon about how many random things I acccomplished on my bucket list this past year…now that would show you how much of an adventure my life has become. Hah.


Hello again. It feels good to be back. Writing tends to be therapy for me, if you couldn’t tell. Honestly, when things are going well and I’m busy, I don’t feel the urge to write. Well, I guess sometimes I do, but usually my mind tends to clear with happiness.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not back because I’m unhappy, but the past 3 months have been an adventure! Mostly good with a few crappy moments sprinkled throughout, but isn’t that life in general? Haha…I should copyright that phrase.

Dating is weird. And dating is hard. How is it possible that I enjoy it and absolutely hate it at the same time? I’ve only ‘technically’ been in this strange world for about 5 months, and it’s a daily whirlwind. I feel like it’s a giant game, with multiple smaller games being played simultaneously within it. Be this person, share these details (but not those details), like these activites, be interested in current events, yada yada yada. When I feel like putting in the effort, it’s actually kind of fun. I get to portray the best parts of me, and sort of put my life on display. This concept of dating is just so interesting to me, especially online dating. You know I went on 3 dates with someone, talked with them for a few weeks and learned quite a bit about their life, then realized I didn’t even know their last name? That’s crazy to me! Oh man, if you get to know someone’s full name, apparently that’s as good as putting a ring on it. Watch out.

Especially with a past like mine (let’s be honest, I’ve got a few red marker edits on my “life resume”), I’m always unsure as to when to reveal things about my past. So far, it’s been pretty natural, but there’s been a couple of times when it hasn’t come up in the first few times of hanging out with someone that I happen to be divorced. I feel like it’s such a dirty word, like a big, red “D” on my chest, or something. It makes me feel like I’m flawed, damaged, and broken for the next person in my life. I mean, I know I’m not, but the stigma that comes along with the term divorcee isn’t generally a good one. If they stick around long enough for me to explain the terms/reasoning for my marriage ending, the response is generally positive, but not always. Oh well, I guess they weren’t meant for me anyway, right?

Hmm, another dating factor I’ve come across…when they are more into you than vice-versa. Honestly, I never expected this to happen to me. I mean, I waited in a relationship for 10 years for someone to reciprocate my feelings at the same level I did, so I thought I’d never experience it in the future. But, now that I have, it is NOT fun. Of course I know that it’s bound to happen, people fall in love in different levels and at different times, but I’ve realized that having the power to break someone’s heart is just plain terrifying.

I don’t think I can remember a time when I had to do something that I knew would hurt another person in a big way. My natural instinct is to do absolutely everything I can do avoid hurting another person. But recently, I experienced my first “me doing the breaking-up’ with someone, and that shit is hard. I think I’d rather be broken up with honestly. It made me feel like a terrible person causing someone pain, but I knew ultimately it was worth it and very much needed to avoid further heartbreak between us in the future.

Anyway, aside from dating, I’ll be moving soon! May 1st to be exact. Annndddd, big news: I’ll have a roommate! No, it’s not a guy…I don’t move that fast. 🙂 She’s freaking awesome, and I’m sure there will be plenty of posts detailing our shenanigans while we co-exist together. Living alone was exactly what I needed over the past year, and I’m excited for yet another living change in 2015.

So, again, here’s to a year full of adventures, travels, friends, and new experiences! Have I mentioned how much I freaking LOVE my life? (And no, that isn’t sarcasm, my life is pretty. darn. awesome.)