How I lost my happiness (again) without even realizing it.

I woke up this morning suddenly. The kind of waking up where your eyes literally pop open, staring at the ceiling trying to focus on the little nooks and crevices in the texture above you. I thought about the night before…texting this guy I’ve been seeing for a few months, trying to figure out at 1:30am if he “felt like coming over”. (Insert annoyed emoji face here) As I recalled my conversation from a few hours prior, I tried to shake the feeling of embarrassment I felt after exposing my neediness for company (and then being rejected, mind you), and after realizing how strangely awake I was with only 5 hours of sleep, I decided I needed to go for a run. That always clears my head.

I’d heard from several people about these “nature trails” here in Oak Cliff. Something to note for those of you that aren’t familiar with my neighborhood, it’s…eccentric. Oak Cliff is the kind of community where it’s common to see “OC” or “75208” tattooed on someone’s neck/fingers/other random body part. Don’t get me wrong, it has it’s charms like the Bishop Arts District and Trinity Groves, but overall it’s pretty colorful. All of that to say, I was slightly nervous about going on a several mile hike/run in the woods as dawn was breaking. But hey, YOLO, right? (haha… I hope you laughed as you read that last sentence, because I sure did as I was typing it.)

Seriously though, this adventure was SO incredibly worth it. Words cannot express how clarifying, inspiring, and cathartic it was. I only did about 3 miles, but it was a total body workout maneuvering the trails, climbing over fallen trees, and splashing through creeks. I was disgusting by the time I was done, and it. was. glorious. These pictures don’t even begin to do it justice because 1) I’m a terrible photographer, and 2) I couldn’t focus too much on photo quality so I could avoid getting clipped by mountain bikers.

IMG_2897

I realized several things about running in this new environment:

  1. Running without music – this was a new one for me. Usually I will NOT go without a form of entertainment while I torture myself with exercise. Ed Sheeran, New Politics, and Red Hot Chili Peppers are pretty much all that can get me through a 4-5 mile run on a usual week day. But today I decided to go without music most of the run because it’s easier to hear upcoming bikers as they whiz by you on these tiny trails. I didn’t even realize the sounds of nature I would have missed had I been distracted by my Spotify the entire run. Creeks gurgling, birds chirping in the trees, even just the sound of the rocks beneath my shoes had me feeling all fuzzy. I really felt at peace out there. Crazy words coming from being in the middle of Oak Cliff!
  2. Coordination is not my strong suit – I seriously almost ate dirt (literally) at least 12 times. I should have had someone film me, it was probably extremely entertaining watching me hop over rocks, jump tree branches, slide down crumbling trails so I didn’t bust my face open…I’m hoping these trails will help me learn coordination and muscle control, but I’m sure they will also get a little of my blood, sweat, and tears in the process.
  3. I’ve been avoiding a LOT – Almost halfway into my run I realized how light and at ease I felt about life. All of my anxiety had melted away and I wanted to just laugh and keep hiking on those trails all morning. At the start of my run, I had a lot of thoughts to sort out, and as I ran, the peacefulness of my surroundings allowed me to think through things without all of society’s constant pressures weighing down on me.

I now realize that I am a serial “changer”, as I like to call it. I will change myself, my interests, my habits, etc. all based on the person I’m dating. I won’t really stop liking the things I currently enjoy, but I’ll just put those on the back burner and emphasize whatever fits in with the current person I’m talking to.

“Oh, you enjoy tacos and Chipotle is your favorite restaurant? Me too!”

LIE. I hate Chipotle. I don’t enjoy Mexican food. But if you do, suddenly I’m open to the idea…

“You could watch only Will Ferrell movies for the rest of your life and never be sad again? That sounds like a great idea…let’s binge watch some next weekend!”

LIE. I’ve only seen like 2 Will Ferrell movies…I know, I’m weird. I’m not against them, per say, I just don’t actively seek out trying to watch them…?

“You can’t stand Taylor Swift? Ugh, me either, what a lame talent-less copy cat.”

Again, LIE. I literally have her newest album in my car CD player now. Don’t judge me, the girl knows how to write good lyrics.

I do all of this to be liked and accepted, and it usually works out well for a while. Then, as I realized this morning, I find myself having compromised all of my joy and excitement in life from doing what I truly enjoy…all in hopes for some attention and favor.

You like to lay in bed all morning on the weekends and not get anything done? Suddenly I do too! You enjoy staying up late because you don’t have to be at work at 8am like I do? No problem, I’ll stay up with you! You can’t workout for ______ reason? No worries, I don’t have to run today.

Who am I and what did I do with the girl who was Ashley? The real, happy, genuine, motivated, positive Ashley? I mean, it’s not like I became some completely different person…I was still me, but I just didn’t feel like quite the best version on myself.

Now, I realize that another person you’re dating should make you want to be that better version of you. They should enjoy what you enjoy, push you to work harder, go farther, laugh louder. I don’t want to keep being this way, I want to be me, the real me, with the guy I’m dating.

So here’s to authenticity. Being vulnerable in who you are. Loving yourself and being happy no matter what. And to not giving a shit if they don’t like it. 😉

Sure, I’ll take some more pain, please.

No, the title of this post is not in reference to some weird 50 Shades of Grey thing…sorry if I got your hopes up, haha.

I realized this weekend that human nature is a funny thing. I watched myself and several of my friends go through different experiences where we chose to put ourselves in mentally painful situations, repeatedly. At the end of the weekend I was exhausted, I had nothing productive come from my two days off from work, and I thought, “what the hell are we doing? Are we happy being miserable? Do we just want to be unhappy?”

I know, I know…you’re thinking, “What is she talking about? Give us the dirt! We want to hear what hot mess of a situation you got yourself into!” Alright already…but you’re just going to shake your head at the end of it, I’ll say it now: I told you so.

After being in a long term relationship for so long, one could say I’m a little afraid terrified of settling down and getting serious with someone right now. At this point in my life, it’s nice to just have companionship and someone to text or cuddle with when you’re lonely. So, in the midst of online dating/Tinder-ing/whatever you want to call it, I found someone who is pretty cool. We hung out for about 6 weeks or so, seeing eachother a couple times a week, and it was going well. Couple of things to note: we never discussed past relationships (this is big for me, as a huge part of my identity was found in the label of being “divorced”), and also, we never had the DTR (define the relationship) conversation, this led to many nights of confusion and wondering about what we were doing.

Okay, you probably want to stop me here. Looking back, it’s easy to say, “Why didn’t you just ask? You could’ve brought up the past. Etc, etc.” Can I just tell you, easier said than done. I have this thing with wanting to be the “cool girl”…it’s a term that’s very common in the dating scene. As a young woman, you want to be cool enough so that guys are attracted to this mystery and easy-going-ness, but you have to be strong and opinionated just enough so that they know they can’t walk all over you and they must respect you. It’s a stupidly fine balance that is impossible to achieve.

Anyway, I finally broke after 6ish weeks and risked the conversation of “what are we doing because I’m going crazy trying to figure this out without communicating.” (Shocker, I know.) It went surprisingly well, with us both being on the same page of keeping things “casual” and not wanting anything “serious”. We were open to the other going on dates with other people, but if anything became serious, we would let the other know. It seemed like the perfect situation at the time… (cue dramatic music, please).

It’s been almost 3 months, and SURPRISE, this girl now has feelings for the dude. Yep, I said it. Out loud, to the masses, and I can’t take it back now. It’s not like that “can’t eat, can’t sleep, reach for the stars, over the fence, world series kind of stuff”, (props if you caught the 90’s It Takes Two reference, thank you Kristie Alley). It’s just like, you wake up and want to text him (but I don’t), or you catch yourself listening to different music because he introduced you to it. Hell, I even went to a Mexican food restaurant (that didn’t have hamburgers!) for him.

So, now I’m in a pickle. He is still being very casual and I can tell things haven’t progressed in the emotional department for him. My choices: 1. I have to still play the cool girl role and pretend to not want anything more. or 2.  Be honest and risk losing what we do have for something more. That’s a big risk to me, and one I’m not sure I’m ready to take. But, on the flip side, it kinda sucks having to act like I’m less interested than I am and constantly hoping for more, and consistently being disappointed,

The doozie happened this weekend when he said he’d come to a party for my roommate’s birthday. The morning of said party, he asked me what time things were starting, and then said he’d “let me know”. I know, how non-committal. Well, I didn’t hear from the kid again until Monday. He just never texted me about the party, didn’t show up, didn’t call or text, no lame excuse for backing out, nothing. Just a casual text on Monday about his day, like the discussion about the party never existed…I was thinking I was crazy. Who does that?

Quiz time! What did Ashley do in response?

A. Confront him about not showing up to the party.

B. Call him a jerk for bailing and never talk to him again.

C. Answer his text politely and positively about his day and completely avoid the party conversation.

Yep. I did C. I know! This is the part where you’re shaking your head and throwing your fist in the air! Why didn’t I stand up for myself? Why did I give him an out? Why would I let him think that’s okay to treat others like they don’t matter?

Ehh, I don’t know. Why do we, as people, do any of the above things? Why are we okay with being continually hurt by the same person? Why do we pour out our feelings and be honest time and time again, just to be let down as we knew we would be? Why do we pursue friendships and relationships that are only one-sided?

Maybe we are hoping for something better. Maybe we have this idea of the situation being improved or the person being who they could be. Perhaps we think that if we make the same mistake enough times, we will get it through our thick skulls that things won’t change and we should just move on. Who knows, really. I think we each have our own motivation for making the choices that we do, and I’m not one to judge…I for real have had my share of stupid decisions. (See above for the most recent, then all previous blog posts for prior dumb mistakes, haha.

In light of this weekends shenanigans, here’s my quote for the week:

Nora Ephron Quote

Now what?

Well, I did it. I survived an entire year living on my own. If you know anything about me, you should be impressed. This year flew by, while seeming to take an eternity to do so, if that makes sense at all. I can’t believe how much has happened, how much I’ve changed, and how different my life has become over the past 12 months. I moved out of my apartment on Sunday, and before I could leave cross the threshold out of my door for the last time I literally sat on the floor and cried. Yep, like a big ol’ baby.

I sat there thinking about all the emotions I had moving in: loneliness, heartache, hope for a new future, bitterness, and anger. I cried knowing I worked through all of those things within those four walls. I thought back about when I sat on my kitchen counter (yes, on top of it) and drank wine with friends while talking about how stupid and messed up our lives were. I remembered baking amazing desserts in that kitchen and then eating my feelings in the form of cupcakes/brownies/pie until I was sick. I laughed about all the slumber parties I had with friends in my tiny full-sized bed after too much drinking by my sweet pool.

I really lived in that apartment. Okay, that sounds so cheesy, but it’s actually true. I was a different person when I moved in, I changed my entire life over the course of a year, and I can’t believe that chapter is over. As I was leaving for the last time, it just all hit me at once and I broke down. Everything I was feeling a year ago is pretty much gone (in the best way possible). All of my anxiety, self-doubt, anger, etc. has melted away and I’ve become someone strong and ready to conquer the next chapter in my life, whatever it may be.

After I pulled it together and sniffled my way to the car, I climbed in and thought, “so, now what?”. New chapter, new year, new me…what could life possibly have in store for me next? Well, I’m all too aware that you can’t control your future, but I have a few things I’d like to tackle:

 

Find something to be passionate about. 

I had drinks with a good friend recently and we got on the subject of passion. Naturally, he asked me what I was passionate about. Oh, I know what you’re thinking: easy question! That’s what I thought, too. I proceeding with the following: I’m totally passionate about…you know, that thing…that I love. I do it all the time… how do I describe it, um. EXACTLY. I was so embarrassed when I realized I really can’t say that I have a passion. Sure, I enjoy a ton of things, but nothing really drives me to get up in the morning, nothing pushes me to be more creative, or compassionate, or try harder. Honestly, I think it’s been a fear of mine to throw my entire effort into something, for fear of failure or worse, mediocrity. This year I want to find my passion(s). I don’t know if it will be something as simple as baking, or maybe I’ll grow fond of gardening. Hell, I could go nuts and get addicted to sky-diving! …but I would like to survive the year, so I think I’ll hold back on that last idea.

Focus on relationships.

I’ve spent the past year being selfish. It was intentional, but it went against the core being of who I am. I needed to take the year for me and figure out who I was without a husband, dog, indentity as a wife, or the stigma of being divorced. I spent countless nights alone, specifically after having turned down plans with friends, just so I could contemplate my future and  all those other deep, introspective ideas. This year I want to push myself to invest in friendships, family relationships, and at some point, possibly, just maybe, really be able to pour into a romantic relationship. I’m not the only one going through rough times, and I want to be there for friends and family that were there for me over the past few months. In summary, less inward, more outward.

Try new things. As many as possible.

What can I say, I like to be comfortable. I know what restaurants I like, I know how I like my coffee, I know that I don’t like mushrooms. But I also know that I often take the easy way out and run away from things unknown to me. It’s easier to just say “I hate Mexican food” than actually try different kinds, or even worse, I might grow to like some of it! (The horror…I know.) Actually, over the past few months, I’ve grown to enjoy sushi (like real, raw sushi, lol). I’ve eaten guacamole more than once (and not hate it). I’ve listened to new kinds of music and found new artists to love. I’ve realized the more I branch out, the more life I’m experiencing…and it’s so much better this way. Being open to new experiences and the different things people enjoy, it makes relationships deeper, life brighter, and so much more fun. (Jeez…I’m just a blogger full of sappy one-liners tonight, hm?)

 

I’m really looking forward to this year, actually. I think it’s going to be just as challenging, but in an entirely different way. If I get really crazy, I’ll write another post soon about how many random things I acccomplished on my bucket list this past year…now that would show you how much of an adventure my life has become. Hah.

Progress

Hello again. It feels good to be back. Writing tends to be therapy for me, if you couldn’t tell. Honestly, when things are going well and I’m busy, I don’t feel the urge to write. Well, I guess sometimes I do, but usually my mind tends to clear with happiness.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not back because I’m unhappy, but the past 3 months have been an adventure! Mostly good with a few crappy moments sprinkled throughout, but isn’t that life in general? Haha…I should copyright that phrase.

Dating is weird. And dating is hard. How is it possible that I enjoy it and absolutely hate it at the same time? I’ve only ‘technically’ been in this strange world for about 5 months, and it’s a daily whirlwind. I feel like it’s a giant game, with multiple smaller games being played simultaneously within it. Be this person, share these details (but not those details), like these activites, be interested in current events, yada yada yada. When I feel like putting in the effort, it’s actually kind of fun. I get to portray the best parts of me, and sort of put my life on display. This concept of dating is just so interesting to me, especially online dating. You know I went on 3 dates with someone, talked with them for a few weeks and learned quite a bit about their life, then realized I didn’t even know their last name? That’s crazy to me! Oh man, if you get to know someone’s full name, apparently that’s as good as putting a ring on it. Watch out.

Especially with a past like mine (let’s be honest, I’ve got a few red marker edits on my “life resume”), I’m always unsure as to when to reveal things about my past. So far, it’s been pretty natural, but there’s been a couple of times when it hasn’t come up in the first few times of hanging out with someone that I happen to be divorced. I feel like it’s such a dirty word, like a big, red “D” on my chest, or something. It makes me feel like I’m flawed, damaged, and broken for the next person in my life. I mean, I know I’m not, but the stigma that comes along with the term divorcee isn’t generally a good one. If they stick around long enough for me to explain the terms/reasoning for my marriage ending, the response is generally positive, but not always. Oh well, I guess they weren’t meant for me anyway, right?

Hmm, another dating factor I’ve come across…when they are more into you than vice-versa. Honestly, I never expected this to happen to me. I mean, I waited in a relationship for 10 years for someone to reciprocate my feelings at the same level I did, so I thought I’d never experience it in the future. But, now that I have, it is NOT fun. Of course I know that it’s bound to happen, people fall in love in different levels and at different times, but I’ve realized that having the power to break someone’s heart is just plain terrifying.

I don’t think I can remember a time when I had to do something that I knew would hurt another person in a big way. My natural instinct is to do absolutely everything I can do avoid hurting another person. But recently, I experienced my first “me doing the breaking-up’ with someone, and that shit is hard. I think I’d rather be broken up with honestly. It made me feel like a terrible person causing someone pain, but I knew ultimately it was worth it and very much needed to avoid further heartbreak between us in the future.

Anyway, aside from dating, I’ll be moving soon! May 1st to be exact. Annndddd, big news: I’ll have a roommate! No, it’s not a guy…I don’t move that fast. 🙂 She’s freaking awesome, and I’m sure there will be plenty of posts detailing our shenanigans while we co-exist together. Living alone was exactly what I needed over the past year, and I’m excited for yet another living change in 2015.

So, again, here’s to a year full of adventures, travels, friends, and new experiences! Have I mentioned how much I freaking LOVE my life? (And no, that isn’t sarcasm, my life is pretty. darn. awesome.)

Capture

Adventures in Online Dating [Pt. 3]

Wow, I’m a week into 2015 and this year has been an adventure already! Between New Year’s, dating, friends, work, and just life in general, week one of this new year/new me is going pretty darn well.

Okay, so it’s also been kind of a mess, but that’s certainly expected in my life…it’s kind of who I am. The following summaries of my adventures are not my brightest moments… dumb decisions, embarrassing stories, and hilarious mistakes. But, this blog is about honesty, and sometimes honesty isn’t pretty, but it is real. I hope you all enjoy my messiness as much as I do, I’m starting to think it’s kind of awesome. 🙂

 

New Year’s Eve was amazing! Usually, I spend the holiday at home in sweats, trying to make it ‘till midnight so I can mumble “Happy New Year” to whoever is around- then immediately pass out. Well, I was determined to make this year count. It’s been my first single New Year’s in over 10 years, and I wanted to party! I had a cute little dress to wear, AND I actually felt pretty good in it (that’s new to me, so you have to realize that’s kind of a big deal!). Long story short: there were drinks, there was laughter, there was midnight, and then, I don’t really remember the rest…whoops (mistake #1). What matters though, is that I have incredible friends who took care of me and I made it back safely to my apartment the next morning with about five minutes to spare before my next engagement.  All I know is that a football game at Cowboys Stadium the next morning was a terrible, terrible idea to agree to (mistake #2). There was way too much cheering, yelling, bright lights, and smelly food. (It also should be noted, a stadium bathroom is pretty much the worst place to be sick…repeatedly.) Just picture me running past people in the stands trying to find the nearest place to safely well, you know. I felt like Kristen Wig in Bridesmaids on the airplane…you know the scene:

wiig

After surviving my first 24 hours of 2015, I decided to log onto the good ol’ dating site and check out who was interested in me (this choice will lead to mistake #3). I read an article that said your best chance of finding someone on a dating site is the first weekend after the New Year. Something about everyone fulfilling their New Year’s resolutions and trying to find someone to date, blah blah blah. So, I figured, why not look around?

Fast forward through several days of talking with a few guys, having some weird conversations…and a couple of nice ones as well, this guy (we will call him…Ryan) asked me out on a date. Yes! I know, a DATE! I played Queen’s We Are The Champions in my apartment, did a few Rocky style winning fist thrusts into the air, and finally said yes (this was mistake #3). After some back and forth banter on choosing a place to go, he offers to meet at Chili’s and gives me the intersection in Arlington. [Side note: for those of you who don’t already know, Chili’s is my all-time favorite place to eat. I have no idea why, I just love it. Their ranch….it’s amazing]. Anyway, I take this sign of him choosing my favorite place as a gift from the gods and now I’m even more excited. It’s meant to be, I think, how could this get any more perfect? I tell him I’ll meet him in 30 minutes and he confirms that he’ll be there.

Blame it on my excited-ness (or my lead-foot), but I arrived in only 20 minutes. Do I get out and wait in the restaurant? Do I wait outside? Do I get a table? Too many options, and, you see, I have this illegitimate fear that I will be ‘that girl’ having to repeated tell the waiter that my friend is on their way and to just give him 10 more minutes, while the ice melts in our drinks and they eventually take the opposite place setting away and leave me alone at the table, looking sad and well, alone. Dramatic, I know.  So, just as an FYI, I texted him that I was there early, waiting in my car, and to let me know when he got there since I was a little early.

No answer.

Hm, that’s a little weird, I thought to myself, but maybe he’s just really into safety and doesn’t text and drive. 20 minutes later, (which was about 8:40, ten minutes past our originally agreed upon meet up time) he answers my text with “little bit of traffic, sorry, are you as nervous as I am?”. Whew, he’s just stuck in traffic. And yes, my nerves are now a frazzled mess at this point. Remember, this is my first potential date in 10 years, and I have no idea how I’m going to do it.

30 minutes go by. Still no Ryan. So, naturally, I send him a text to make sure he didn’t get into a car accident or mauled by a roaming mountain lion on his way to our date. No answer.

I waited in the Chili’s parking lot, in my car, alone, until 10pm.

I did not get stood up. I did not get stood up! Did I just get stood up? Who stands someone up? What’s wrong with me, did I say something wrong? Did I get the location wrong? No…it says right here, I’m in the right place. Did I seriously, freaking, just get stood UP?

Yep, folks, I was stood up. That’s a first. What a wonderful way to get back into the dating world, huh? It was an emotional drive home to say the least…but I made it. Then I finished the jar of Nutella I hid in the back of my pantry for a bad day just like this one. Sometimes, I just love my good ideas. That jar of Nutella had all the answers I needed, not some stupid boy.

The next day, I woke up with a million questions. Did he get into an accident and couldn’t call? Did he even want to go out with me? Why put in several days’ worth of conversation just to stand a girl up? Was he just nervous? Should I even consider talking to him again? My mind was spinning. Ultimately, I decided to not text him and just let it go. Let it just become a good story about a first attempted date.

Then, that afternoon, this conversation happened:

IMG_2207

What. The. Hell. Now, I’m just pissed off. First, not even a sorry?! Second, I now know you’re an idiot because you gave me the exact intersection so there’s no way that we “ended up at different ones”. Third, you didn’t text me because you stood me up.  And I love the last text, his final words a couple hours later when he realized I wasn’t going to play his games. Did he really give ME attitude when he stood ME up? Asshole.

I felt like Cupid (or some evil twin version of that fat baby) just slapped me on the back and said, “Welcome to the world of dating! Have fun!” If I could have, I would have kicked that damn baby into 2026 and snapped every arrow in his quiver. If this is dating, I don’t want to be a part of it…where are my cats and fuzzy robe? Cats don’t stand people up.

But, it’s a new year! In 2015, I now choose to look at the bright side of this adventure: I have a great story to tell and my next first date can’t go worse!

At least, I’m hoping it can’t go worse…I’ll keep you posted.

Adventures in Online Dating [Pt. 2]

So, now that it’s been about a week with an online dating profile, I basically consider myself an expert in this field. (Please, note the sarcasm).

Annnnnd, I still have no idea what I’m doing. Haha, this whole experience has been very…entertaining? The messages I’m getting, people’s profile pictures, the pick up lines, it’s all so silly and exciting and terrifying all at once. At this point, I’m feeling like this whole idea is a big mess and just a way to be embarrassed on a daily basis.

Let’s start with this “summary of my life” I’m supposed to come up with on my profile. What the hell am I supposed to put in here? I hate beans? I can’t see over clothing racks? Honestly, I spent about 2 hours just stuck on this first part. I re-wrote it about 385,743 times and finally came up with a decent combination of wit, honesty, and…mystery? I don’t know how it turned out, but I’m just glad I finished it, squeezed my eyes shut, and clicked save.

The interesting thing about this website: they actually don’t have a place you can select ‘divorced’. The only options are dating, single, or married. (Weird, right? I still don’t know why you would actually put married as a label if you’re on a dating website, but who am I to judge…). So, my next challenge is: do I list that I’m divorced on my profile? I don’t know! Is it something I have to be up front about? Ugh, so many thoughts…but ultimately I decided not to add anything about it. I figure, if it comes up, I’ll be honest, otherwise I’ll just see what happens. That’s fair, right?

After I finished my profile, I didn’t really know what to do next. Wait for something? Look at other’s profiles? Message someone? I thought about all of those, and then just decided to close my computer and pretend I didn’t just put a ‘wanted’ ad out for my dating life. Soon enough though, instant technology availability got the best of me and I was checking my matches like a pro.

So, my first week of this adventure has been a roller coaster. I’ve had a few great conversations with guys, and several weird ones, too. I can safely say, the good guys are few and faaaaar between. The amount of inappropriate and/or vulgar messages I’m getting is ridiculous. I mean, do guys actually want a girl that responds to that kind of stuff? Sorry, but that’s not me. Even worse is when you think you’re talking to a normal, respectable guy, then he turns out to be worse than the others that are at least honest about their meat-headedness. And finally, just when you’re about to click the link to close your account – a decent guy messages you and it starts all over again. I guess this is the ‘joy’ of trying to date? Meh.

All the bad aside, it’s been a good experience for just having conversations and getting to know new people. I’ve been asked out on a few dates, but I’ve turned them down because I’m still just too nervous to actually meet anyone in person. Maybe I’ll save that for week 2? Yeah, I think that’s a good idea.  I need to come up with my game plan, escape routes, safety chaperone, and topics of conversation. Then, I’ll consider it. 🙂

Adventures in Online Dating [Pt. 1]

I have been fighting off this cold for almost a week now, and I think it’s safe to say…I lost. I only get sick once or twice a year, but when I do, look out. It’s all sniffles, coughing, runny nose, watery eyes, and the worst headache ever. (Such a beautiful picture right? I thought you’d enjoy it, and you’re welcome.)

When I woke up this morning and realized my nose was completely blocked and I sounded like Lindsey Lohan, I thought to myself, “I just need someone to go get me tissues. And tea, I’d love some tea.” But alas, I am once again reminded that I live alone. [Insert sad trombone sound effect here.]

Maybe you could blame my nose for the lack of oxygen being delivered to my brain, or, my desperate need for a tissue and some peppermint tea…but I decided to try something crazy.

Online dating.

Okay, okay… close all of your open mouths and stifle your laughter. We’re going to go slow here, I’m still not sure I even want to do this, or that I can do this. Right now I’m just thinking I may be stuck in this apartment (tissue-less) for the rest of my days and I won’t be able to meet anyone in public ever again due to this ailment I’m experiencing therefore online dating is now my only option. [Drama is apparently another side effect.]

Well, I have no idea where to start.

Second bright idea of the morning: I googled online dating. Okay, now you can release your laughter. I mean, since when has Google ever been beneficial? Pretty much the only thing I’ve actually learned from it is how to break into my garage with a credit card. Helpful? Yes. Also terrifying that I found that easily on the web? Yes. Anyway, the first few site results are the usuals: eharmony.com, match.com, okCupid.com, etc. Naturally, I start thinking to myself, “what makes this one or that one the best?” I mean, they all claim to be the #1 dating site…but I’m pretty sure it’s just about money, advertising, and oh, more money.

So, naturally, I click on the first link which happens to be eharmony. My plan is to just kind of look around the site, see what there is to do, etc. Oh, and how much does it cost? I’m not super committed to this whole idea of “online dating” yet, so I’m not about to drop any money before I decide it’s something I really want to torture myself with. Well, let me shorten this story by saying the one-month fee is… $59.95! Holy crap. Next, please.

So, instead of scrolling down the list of various websites, I altered my google search to “reviews of online dating sites”. After reading several articles/blog reviews/etc., I decided to try one of the free sites.

At first I thought that if the site was free, it basically just equaled a “hook up” site, but I don’t think that’s true (at least not yet). And that is certainly NOT my plan, let me just make that one CRYSTAL clear.

I’ve decided that I’m going to go with okcupid.com. I’ve read a lot of negative things, but I’ve also heard some good things and that it’s pretty easy to use. I’m just crossing my fingers and hoping that I don’t seriously regret my decision in the next 24 hours.

I figure there’s no harm in at least seeing what happens? I’m taking chances, right? Living life on the edge? Hopefully I’ll just be able to start a conversation or two, and see how it goes. It would take a lot to actually meet someone…but I’m not counting it out completely.

And don’t worry, I’ll be safe! No personal information will be revealed or social security numbers given out. (Unless they’re cute, of course.) 😉

I’ll be back with an update this week… I’m sure you can’t wait to hear all about how making my profile and any conversations go.

 

Eeeeeeek! Here goes nothing! (What the hell am I doing?!)